For the Love of Gold Digging
by Renny
Summary: Umm... Summary, gold digging, gross Dum McG stuff, Valentines in October, Naked Snape, slash, Porn, crap, tattoos, mpreg, shot wand weddings, and evil little Potter Malfoy brats. I think this has it all.
1. I Love Harry Tshirts for all!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot.  
  
Summary: It's stupid I'm the author and I acknowledge that. If you don't like stupid then you're just. stupid!  
  
A/N: All flames will be used to give my story a nice tan.  
  
The day started off normal enough pigs flying, sky turning purple, Draco declaring his undying love to Harry.  
  
"Go away!"  
  
"Never my love!" Draco had been following Harry halfway across the castle. Not before spanking him half a dozen times and calling him his Sugar Daddy.  
  
"What in Merlin's nasty crumb filled beard has happened to you?" Harry called back to his ever faster foe. (A/N: Ever faster foe? I must be out of my. well what's left of my mind.)  
  
"I hate father! He must have been out of his mind spending our entire fortune on hookers and hats with large feathers coming out of them. Now I'm reduced to a common gold digger. Though you have to admit Potter's got a nice ass. Get your mind back on track Draco!" Draco yelled to himself. (A/N: Like he would have said that out loud.)  
  
Harry ran into Ron on his quest to get away from the walking, talking peroxide bottle. "Hey, Harry I was just standing here for no reason at all, why are you running?"  
  
"Him!" Ron turned around to see Draco running in a 'I Love Harry' T-shirt with flowers, and a sign stating: I'm NOT a gold digger!  
  
"I think Malfoy's got a crush on you," Ron idiotically stated.  
  
"Duh," was his only reply as Draco jumped on Harry's back and straddled him forcing a wet kiss. 


	2. Eww Get some clothes on

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot.  
  
Summary: It's stupid I'm the author and I acknowledge that. If you don't like stupid then you're just. stupid!  
  
A/N: All flames will be used to give my story a nice tan. A/N2: Thanks to my first reviewer HoshiShoujoKageShinigamiBUNNYB, all the stupidness in this chappie is for you! Hope I spelled it right.  
  
"Mister Malfoy, I suggest you give Harry here some personal space," Professor McGonagall yelled as a half naked Albus Dumbledore chased after her. Only his old winkled chest was showing, thank GOD.  
  
Suddenly students all over the court yard headed for the nearest bathroom. Most yelling, the horror, or my eyes they burn. Harry took his chance once Draco took off for the nearest trash can. (Does Hogwarts have trash cans?)  
  
Harry grabbed Ron who was spewing his breakfast all over Dean, who was clawing at his eyes as smoke rose from them. "Did someone say S.P.E.W?" Hermione ran into the courtyard almost tripping over a crying Ravenclaw.  
  
"No one invited you!"  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I'm The Author, notice the capitols," Then with a mysterious snapping sound the bushy brown headed no-it-all was gone. Now back to the story.  
  
*snorts of laughter are heard for the readers.* It is too a story NOW READ!  
  
"How come you didn't cry or toss your cookies?" Ron asked once he wiped the rest of breakfast off his face.  
  
"Once you've battled a guy who should have been dead FIVE times and have to put up with my Aunt and Uncle grunting up stairs when they're 'in the mood'. NOTHING can make me cringe," Ron sat back, his eye twitching from the thought of Harry's Aunt and Uncle. He suddenly shuddered and sprang back from La La land.  
  
///Draco in Bathroom///  
  
"Oh god, the pain," his face was red and slightly puffy. "Everyone knows I'm allergic to Dumbledork. Crap, I forgot about Harry. Oh well he will be mine! Muwhahaha!"  
  
"Oh shut up Draco, you suck at maniacal laughter," Pansy walked out of stall near the door.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Tell no one, or you will die a horrible death, Muhahaha. See that's great maniacal laughter. Get rid of pussy ass W," She ran out of the bathroom giving him the finger for no reason.  
  
Will Draco get Harry? Will we find out why Pansy was in the boy's bathroom? Will Dumbledore get some clothes on? Please find a robe or something, jeeze.  
  
Please R&R. It may be stupid but perhaps you liked it? Just a little? Oh come on you dumb fuck REVIEW!  
  
My Mom: Chelsea!  
  
Me: Sorry, my reviewers are not dumb fucks. Please Review. 


	3. Valentines in October

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Really I don't. Can you help get these blood sucking leaches called lawyers off me!  
  
A/N: It's stupid but five people so far like it! *does ridiculous victory dance* All flames will be used for my next cook out!  
  
Harry was now eating. Since most people were being patched up from what is now known only as The Incident, he was there with only a few others. Ron gathered what courage he could steal from Harry's underwear drawer, and came too. (A/N: Ron was in Harry's underwear drawer?)  
  
Up from above a giant heart shaped arrow nearly missed him as a few hundred were now being shot every which way. "What in the hell is going on here?" Harry yelled at no one in particular. "Well, giant heart shaped," Ron was cut off with a huge arrow to the head.  
  
"That's got to hurt."  
  
"Not really the whole 'having a rock hard head' thing really comes in handy," Ron said as he pulled the arrow out. "It's got a Valentine on it."  
  
"But it's October. Who would send me a Valentine? Oh yeah, the human Pena Kalada," Harry grabbed the parchment out of Ron's hands.  
  
Roses are red  
  
Violets are blue  
  
Your ass is sweet  
  
So let me shag you!  
  
Your personal Love Slave, Draco  
  
"He really needs help."  
  
"Hey big boy!"  
  
"Sweet Jesus!" From the door way comes Draco in a pair of four inch heels and a green dress. He slowly waddles to Harry. His feet turn a weird shade of blue because of lack of blood circulation.  
  
"I thought maybe you and I could go on a romantic date. Like my dress?" He steps over Blaise Zambini who has an arrow sticking out of his/her leg. No one is really quiet sure what gender s/he is. It has boobs and a dick, so who are we to chose one gender.  
  
"What should I do?" Harry drifts off into his own little world.  
  
"Run moron! He'll never be able to catch you in those heels."  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Your inner voice, Joe."  
  
"Fuck Joe, go with him. Come on look at those legs!" *other inner voice tries to growls seductively but chokes on his own spit* Harry looks at Malfoy's legs which have band aids where he cut himself shaving, but they're pretty well hidden by the fish net stockings  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Your other inner voice Big Juicie."  
  
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So should he listen to Joe, the straight one. *someone yells SLASH HATER*  
  
Or Big Juicie, ex 'female trapped in a male's body' prostitute? Leave a review. NOW!!! 


	4. ChuckECheese and Naked Snape

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. No sue, bad dog, go away sue. GO! Nor do I own Chuck-E-Cheese. Last but not least I don't own Cheaters the movie.  
  
A/N: When I uploaded last it had weird symbols I fixed most except for the P's. I want to thank all my reviewers who actually spent two minutes of their life typing for me! *Cries loudly* Well that's enough of that! On with the show!  
  
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"How did I talk myself into this?" Harry was now being towed behind Draco who had handcuffed their wrists together. "At least Hermione and Ron came," Ron and Hermione were handcuffed to Harry so they couldn't get away.  
  
"So where do we dine? Here, no that's not fancy enough, oh here!" Draco pointed to a restaurant with a play set in the back, and all those colorful balls in that net thing. "Oh wait its infested," He said pointing to the man in a giant rat costume.  
  
"It's Chuck-E-Cheese he's their mascot," Hermione offered up the information, but no one listened or they would face my wrath. For I am The Author, notice the capitols.  
  
"Let's go in he forgot to zip up the back of his suit. Nice ass RatMan! (A/N: The Capitols do mean something it comes later in the story.) There a distinct 'Fuck you' heard as they entered the building.  
  
"Oh look at the balls!"  
  
"We all know you like balls Malfoy, so shut up!" Ron tossed in his one liner of the day in.  
  
"Come on let's sit," Harry pointed to a booth near some kid with a pizza spinning on his head. Oh wait it's off his head and on his mom. Kid then screams for someone to call Child Welfare.  
  
Ron and Draco sat on one side, seeing as they're both closer to being the girls in their relationships, and Hermione sat next to Harry just incase some of his hotness decided to flake off. (A/N: I think Draco's hotter, but even I must sacrifice for my story.)  
  
Harry felt a foot going up his leg, "Draco must have taken his shoe off while we were ordering," was the first thing that popped into mind. He let the foot continue thanks to Big Juicie and his/her mind control.  
  
Suddenly the foot glided up his leg and to his crotch. He looked down to find a foot in a black sock with a hole in it. The big toe was sticking out and it quickly stunk up Harry's side of the booth.  
  
"I didn't do it!" Hermione yelled and put on a face about as innocent a twelve-year-old's caught with his dad's dog porn. Harry looked down at the foot and noticed the little red hairs on the big toe.  
  
"Ron, get your filthy foot off my crotch!" The foot pulled away quickly and was replaced by Draco's stocking and band aid covered foot. "There that's better," Big Juicie just had to put that in. Draco smiled as he did this thing with his toes.  
  
Harry's attention was snapped away from toe bliss by Ron apologizing. He was now on the table giving a pole dance for Hermione to say he was sorry, but in the absence of a pole he quickly toppled over and landed on someone's jalapeño pepper pizza. Then he started to pour the available water pitchers in his eyes.  
  
They quickly ate their pizza and left, but upon leaving they stumbled across another couple. Blaise and Pansy. "So Blaise is a boy," Hermione again offered up her unwanted advice.  
  
"I saw Pansy in the boys' bathroom you never know. She might be like a secret agent sent to study the boys' room for like monsters and stuff!" Draco took out his wand and pretended it was a gun; he even made the stupid little sounds. "Boom, chchchchch, boom! Got ya bitch! Hurray for our hero!" The last sentence sounded a lot like Harry's voice.  
  
"Come on," Harry's sentence was cut short by the sight of Dumbledore and McGonagall doing the twist at the other side street in a club called: The Geezer Garage. The horrific sight of that not to mention a drunk and naked Snape doing the limbo was enough to melt the handcuffs and free each other so they could run in horror back to Hogwarts.  
  
"Did you see the body paint?" Hermione called as she ran to keep up with Ron.  
  
"How could you read that when he was naked! AND LIMBOING!" They all yelled as their eye's gently started to recover.  
  
"You morons should know I read everything! Do you want me to recite the stuff they put in my tooth paste?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Never mind, any way it said 'I Miss Potter's Nice Ass'. Want to explain that to us Harry?" Everyone stopped and looked at him through the eye blisters.  
  
"Well you see. It happened like this. No. Umm well."  
  
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Yea my first cliffhanger! The last one didn't count all of you knew I was going to make them go out. I got the dog porn idea from watching my favorite B-movie 'Cheaters'.  
  
Great movie anyway here goes the cheat song! It's the tune of one of Beethoven's symphonies can't remember the name.  
  
Cripple elves do dance around a devil covered by blue dress. Dairy causes diarrhea. Crunchy creamy butter cheese. Bad Billy does dope, bitches, and booze, but can't even build a cigarette boat. Allah bangs booze everyday above a bridge behind a cave. 


	5. Luicius and More Dog Porn

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. No sue, bad dog, go away sue. GO! Nor do I own Chuck-E-Cheese. Last but not least I don't own Cheaters the movie.  
  
A/N: People aren't sending me reviews, they're e-mailing me about my whole ~foot fetish thing~. People listen up I don't like feet that much. (Someone asked if I would cyber suck his toes) the answer is NO!  
  
A/N2: All flames were used for my birthday candles on Monday!  
  
Now on with story. *Gives Draco's death glare to anyone who says this shit's not a story*  
  
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"We're waiting," Ron got in his two words of the day.  
  
"See, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon don't allow me to have money when I stay because their poor themselves. It's got to be the bacon is you ask me. I mean they buy it by the ton. Isn't that like cannibalism for them to eat pork?"  
  
"Harry get back on track, and stop with the cute babbling," Draco pinched his ass to give him some incentive.  
  
"You think my babblings cute? Most people just hit me when I keep on talking about something that's not the point. Oww!" Ron gave him a good rap up side the head with his dirty, full of holes, shoe.  
  
"Anyway they pimped me out with some of my other cousins. Snape just happens to be one of my customers."  
  
"Wait you have other cousins?" Ron blurted out now ruining my vision of him and his stupid one liners.  
  
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The Author freezes the story for a sec. "Sorry Miss Author, all hale Chelsea," Ron proceeds to bow down and kiss my invisible feet.  
  
"Ron's forgiven! You may get some extra lines."  
  
"Really? Neat!"  
  
"Okay there you go. That's all the extra lines you need!" Author unfreezes the story and we precede even though no one notices Ron's now gagged and bound to a tree. *Kinky*  
  
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"Yes, I have other cousins. You have to have more than one whore for it to be a whore house. Duh!"  
  
"Wait where do you live?" Draco looked like he swallowed something gooey, and it was hot and sticking to the back of his throat. *Hint Hint man I'm gross*  
  
"Well I live on Pivot drive in number four, but the whore house is in the old play ground near where I live."  
  
Draco moved uncomfortably, guess his stocking where riding up or his heels caught up on his stocking and made yet another run. "Does anyone ever come there with stupid pimp hats with long feathers?"  
  
"Yeah I know him. Keeps his face hidden. Likes it when I yell smack that hot ass baby!" Harry acts as though he being a whore is the most normal thing ever.  
  
"Just like my fucking dad to give me his mother fucking sloppy seconds! Oh well at least your hotter than the last one," Harry looks up from Draco's ass to his face.  
  
"LAST ONE?"  
  
"You're really hot though," Draco braced for impact.  
  
"Oh well I fucked Snape, and you fucked whoever, guess were even," Harry then grabs his ass.  
  
"Wrong ass!" Hermione yelled, as she ran into a vat quick drying cement that *just happened to be there*. Author then cackles with glee.  
  
"Come on let's go home," Draco's now smiling as he now gets to fill Hermione's spot.  
  
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"Hey Ron what are you doing?" It's that night and Harry hears grunting noises in Ron's closed canopy.  
  
"Nothing uh just um doing stuff." Harry wants to be in on anything that Ron's doing because he's a follower most of the time unless he's playing Hero. So he opens the canopy and finds Ron with a large apple pie in his hands and crust all over his "Special Place".  
  
"What are you doing? Oh wait never mind a pie!" Then a large dog appears from under the covers. "Sirius, what the fuck are you doing here?"  
  
"Well see Ron and I hit off last time we met and he's got these great kinky fantasies."  
  
"Okay I really don't want to think about that mental picture," Harry does think about that mental picture and finds his pants getting rather tight so he grabs Ron's porno magazine and closes his canopy. "Ron didn't I tell you not to get anymore DOG PORN!"  
  
"Hey you didn't tell me you got the new Man's Best Friend in yet!" Seamus goes over Harry's bed, spends some time looking at Harry's nude form then takes the dog mag.  
  
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I really didn't like this chapter but I've been awake for three days partying for my Birthday! Great now I'm old. Please review. I don't know how to make the line thing under the words, someone want to clue me in? Man's Best Friend is supposed to be underlined. I've never heard about that magazine I made it up if it's real I don't own it. 


	6. Stupid Stuff For Those Who Make Me Read ...

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. I don't own any of movies/T.V shows/or books I happen to borrow things from.  
  
A/N: Send me reviews! NOW! I'll give you lots naked pictures of Harry and Draco! *Crosses fingers behind back* (Coughs) SUCKERS! (Coughs)  
  
Now on with story. *Gives Draco's death glare to anyone who says this shit's not a story*  
  
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This makes fun of a lot fics I've read. Magical mishap, weird potions I've never heard of, ingredients people must have spent a whole second thinking the name on, and Neville always messing things up.  
  
Yes this has nothing to do with my story, but I told you earlier it's stupid and has no plot.  
  
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Harry was sitting next to Ron in the Great Hall for breakfast. Ron had this weird look on his face. He shook his hair and giggled. From under the table a huge shaggy black dog jumped up and ran past Harry quickly.  
  
"Didn't I tell you to stop that Snuffles! You don't know where he's put that!" Harry looked over to the Slytherin table to where Draco was sitting in a sleeping gown and hair curlers.  
  
"You stupid mofo you better tap that ass before he finds someone else!" Big Juicie comes out from hiding. Damn creditors chase you even when your dead and have become an inner voice. (That line is the one of the few things I liked about Mr. Deeds.)  
  
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*~*~* Later in Snapie Pooh's Class*~*~*  
  
"All right everyone lets start a new potion that no one has ever heard of before this second, but somehow I know how to brew it," Snape was in a corset and a pair of Draco's stockings. You can still see the words 'I Miss' on his man boobs. He's basically dressed like Frank on Rocky Horror Picture show, with about as much make up.  
  
Everyone starts doing this and that. Snape's just sitting at his desk downing alcohol like fish in water. Neville screwing up everything as usual puts in a wing of Pixie instead of ping of a Wixie and the entire thing blows up.  
  
"You fucking moron you just made the dreaded Muggle Moving Picture Potion!"  
  
******************************1 Hour Later******************************  
  
Everyone the castle is now acting like some sort of T.V./Movie/or Cartoon character, because I said so. Harry thinks he's Forest Gump and is now talking to Draco who thinks he's Bell from 'Beauty and the Beast'.  
  
"My Aunt always said like is like a box of Chocolate Frogs it'll hop away if you let it," Harry now has a buzz cut and a flannel shirt on.  
  
"I like big Hairy men. Are you Hairy?"  
  
"That sounds familiar. Hairy where have I heard that before? Oh well you wanna go in the boys bathroom with me? The guys in the Army always said I was good at doing stuff in the stall. They liked it when I called them Mamma," Harry looked over at Draco who by now was in a golden dress spinning in front of the bench they were sitting on a few minutes ago.  
  
"I don't know but, something's very familiar about doing things in the boys' bathroom. With more girly people though."  
  
"I can pretend to be a girl."  
  
"Okay then!" Those two love birds go off to the bathroom and we swerve the camera to Hermione and Ron. Hermione thinks she's 'Snow White' and Ron thinks he's Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
"Oh hello, are you my Prince Charming?" Hermione then burst into 'When will my Prince Come' then Ron comes up and snaps her neck ridding both of Snow White and Hermione at once and this is why I love Spike. Okay his white blonde hair and evilness has something to do with it too. I have to admit I like white blonde evil guys it's my nature.  
  
Next the camera speeds over to Crabb and Goyle who are doing inappropriate things as Dopey and Grumpy from 'Snow White'. Or maybe they're both Dopey it's hard to tell. Eww, don't think I should have said hard. "GET A ROOM!" The two scatter off to Slytherin dorm.  
  
Snape is with Professor McGonagall who *happened* to be in the room. Snape thinks he's Frank because he's already dressed so and McGonagall thinks she's a cute gay guy named Rocky, and since she can't speak no one's telling her any different. Then Dumbledore comes and starts being Simba, for those who are morons or haven't seen it it's from 'The Lion King'.  
  
Dumbledore purrs at Professor McGonagall and she purrs back. Then in a horrifying turn of events Umbridge comes and starts humping Snape. Something so incredibly disgusting that everyone stops doing who or what they're doing and becomes themselves. Even those who aren't in the room.  
  
McGonagall sees what's happening and hits Umbridge upside the head with the nearest child.  
  
"I thought that might work," Dumbledore looks at himself in the mirror and says how wonderful he looks today and starts snogging himself.  
  
"Wait you brought Umbridge here? How did you get her to hump McGonagall? How did you know that would stop the affects of the potion?" Snapie suddenly comes out from the closet he went into after McGonagall left him for Simba. (Snape out of the closet)  
  
"I gave her the potion that exploded in here because by some weird way, Fawks exploded and it came out of him too. I knew it would stop them because even I quiver when I think about, and the Author told me," Dumbledore gives me the thumbs up. I give it back.  
  
"How come you became Simba?"  
  
"Because I wanted to," He sticks his tongue out at Snape.  
  
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That's for all the weird people who ruin my time when I read crappie stories. Now I just wasted your time. Sorry I'm being mean today Oh well. Bub Bye.  
  
Next chapter explains Pansy sort of.  
  
~Renny~ 


	7. Pansy's Issues and Harry Tattoos

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. I don't own any of movies/T.V shows/or books I happen to borrow things from.  
  
A/N: Review or get ye ass bitten off by my loveable yet dangerous Chihuahua puppy Jack.  
  
People actually sent me good reviews for the sixth chapter. I was angry when I read four crappie stories in a row. So I made some crap of my own *Cackles madly*, but people LIKED IT!  
  
So the reason why Pansy was in the boy's room. Off we go!  
  
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Pansy just finished shaving her legs and was walking around in a towel. "Hey Draco!" Draco is in the bathroom also shaving his legs. He's getting good at it, just one long gash down his calf.  
  
"You know you're in the boys' room again right?" He grabs Pansy's towel to stop the bleeding. "Good god, who beat you with mangled flesh stick?" Pansy's 'Special Place' has gross scar tissue. "Who did your boobs though, they're great!"  
  
"Oh thanks I'll give you his number later. Want me to tell you why I'm gross and disgusting down there?" She said indicating again her 'special place.'  
  
"If you must. I have to go get ~Now I've Got Harry's Sweet Ass~ tattooed on my adorable blemish free ass, so I can moon Snape.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~ Flash Back Sequence ~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The scene is set in the boys' bathroom at about 12 at night.*Pansy* is in a stall with A-Random-Ravenclaw-Whore.  
  
"A-Random-Ravenclaw-Whore get off were done now," The door swings open and Pansy comes out as a boy with really girly features.  
  
A-Random-Ravenclaw-Whore comes out tears streaming down her cheeks.  
  
"Don't you want to cuddle?"  
  
"Let me think, No! All you did was give me the worst blow job ever," Pansy/Peter is now zipping up his designer pants, posing as s/he zips up. Blowing a kiss as s/he finishes.  
  
"Get out before; Or doI have to get Blaise in here to drag you out!" The girl runs crying from the bathroom as Mrs. Norris comes in. "You can't be any worse than A-Random-Ravenclaw-Whore. Come to Poppa."  
  
"Do I look like, Some-Dick-Licking-Cat? She lives in the next castle over. Oh well, I'm hungry," (Crunch)  
  
Screams that could make any male instantly sterile, come from inside the bathroom and Blaise, Pansy/Peter's look out comes to see what's wrong.  
  
Pansy/Peter takes out his/her anger out on Blaise by casting a spell to give him boobs.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~ Flash Back Now Ends ~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Draco is holding his goodies and squeaking with fright. "Mrs. Norris bit your necessities off? I know you wanted her to lick your stuff, that's nasty, but she could have told Filtch she didn't have to," He stops in mid sentence to shake uncontrollably.  
  
"I'm going to go get my tattoo, wait a minute, so that's why Blaise is sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl." (And that's the reason for Blaise's changing sex. Well my reason.)  
  
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***Snape's Class Room***  
  
Draco has just entered limping a little, and yelps as he sits down. Today Snape has on a thong and nipple tassels. They're green and silver and the thong lets everyone see Harry's face tattooed to his very blemished ass.  
  
"Hey Snape check this out!" Draco pulls his pants down and shows Snape his tattoo.  
  
"Who did it? It looks good even with the blood dripping down your ass," Snape takes his chance to grope Draco's ass.  
  
"Let me see!" Harry comes in and grabs Draco's ass from Snape. Giving him a Draco sneer. "Look you spelled my name right! Unlike some person I know," We take a better look at Snape's ass *Shudders* and see Harry is spelled Hairy.  
  
"Who wants to see my tattoo?" You hear a cricket somewhere. "It's on my ass," Half the school rushes in and starts groping Draco's ass. Harry magically makes some velvet ropes and charges a dollar to see THE AMAZING ASS!!! : Greatest ass on Earth.  
  
"Hey I'm richer than I use to be!" Harry holds up giant cash wad. Draco clamps on to his arm as a gang of rabid gold diggers come running.  
  
"I've already staked my claim! Back off bitches!" All the rabid gold diggers now settle back to their tables.  
  
"I'll ignore that if in five minutes your in nothing but high heels and a smile on my bed."  
  
"Okay I can do that!"  
  
(In his mind) "I'm gonna get some ass! I'm gonna get some ass!" He bounces up and down twirling and doing high kicks.  
  
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Thought I'd give ya'll a nice visual after that crap I posted last time.  
  
Send me reviews NOW!!! Or face a horrible flesh eating death.  
  
Love ya all! So does Jack my Chihuahua puppy muse!  
  
I keep making dumb mistakes maybe I should re read my crap *Thinks for a second* NAWWW!!!  
  
~ Renny ~ 


	8. Don't kill me Author note with thank you...

Sorry this is an Author's note. No update! Don't kill me!  
  
Anyway a few of my reviews came to me, but aren't on here (FF.NET). Don't know why, but anyway I thought to myself and decided to thank my reviewers!  
  
*Wipes tomato off her face and gives the finger to the guy who threw it*  
  
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Asshole! Anyway, thanks to HoishiShoujoKageShinigamiBUNNYB my first reviewer, who liked my Merlin's beard comment and the naked Snape limbo scene.  
  
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Nymphaline: this is the first person to realize the premise of my story; it's stupid but funny. Like movies from the late 80's though to now.  
  
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Mistress Chaos1: I accidentally traumatized her to death. If you're reading this sorry! I still ask myself why I wrote it.  
  
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Catgrl52: She liked it sort of before the nasty crap I added later. I know its gross, don't like it oh well.  
  
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Anon: I did enough damage to where this person is now in a straight jacket, and having a good time with some lovely purple monkeys. I like monkeys so you got *something* good out of it.  
  
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The-Mad-Flamer: Thanks for not flaming me. Though I'm betting you haven't read anything else past the second chapter. Oh well I get enough Yuckies for Catgrl52.  
  
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Queen of the Swans: Loved the jig. Added the laughter to my collection. Just need about four more Maniacal laughs before I'm considered crazy. (Too late)  
  
///  
  
Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory: I thank you for noticing Draco's hot. *Hides Draco in closet away from you* Joe sucks huh. Guess I'll bring him back later just to irk Harry.  
  
///  
  
Lizard: More laughter just three left now! All Slash haters burn in hell, so remind them to take some marshmallows.  
  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////  
  
These are the ones that never showed.  
  
///  
  
Real-Fan05:*grin* I loved it! Get Busy with more!!  
  
Yeah more people like it. *does embarrassing victory dance*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
jo(): Omg!! That was the funniest thing I've ever read!! I was laughing the whole time!! You must write more!! Hahaha it was great...haha  
  
This was submitted for chapter 6. I thought chapter six sucked.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
GrimKittie: Omg that was *great* lol thanks for reviewing my story (i love that song too) Draco is total sexiness no matter what and Harry is sexy too  
  
But not as much as Draco lol and the kinky stuff with Ron and the others, lol!! Dumbledore needs some extra layers. I love the movie RHPS too, ish all greatness  
  
Somehow your review didn't show oh well. I read her fic Stacy's Mom. God I love that song, don't know why though.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED OR WILL.  
  
MY EGO HAS GROWN SO MUCH MY NECKS HURTS TRYING TO HOLD IT ALL UP!  
  
*Ties shoe laces together and watches as all my flamers fall* 


	9. Chunking Your Monkeys is Always a Bad Si...

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my plot less, plot. I don't own any of movies/T.V shows/or books I happen to borrow things from.  
  
A/N: Review or get ye ass bitten off by my loveable yet dangerous Chihuahua puppy Jack.  
  
Summary: Something happens then something else happens then get this *Something else* happens. Damn I'm good at summaries.  
  
///// ----- /////----- ///// ----- ///// ----- ///// ----- ///// ----- ///// ----- ///// ----- ///// ----- ///// ----/////  
  
Why should I even warn you people this is slash? I mean you never warn me that your story is Het. Do you know how many times I got to about the fifth paragraph of a story, on some other site where it only says H/D, only to find out it's a Hermione/ Draco fic?  
  
Well for once in my entire life I'll be nice and say it's slash. IF YOU DON'T LIKE SLASH THEN DON'T READ THIS!!! It's as simple as that.  
  
~*~  
  
THIS IS FOR MY REVIEWERS. I didn't even know if I wanted to write more of this, but Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory convinced me with the fifties lingo.  
  
Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory: You have a very weird name. It takes me forever to get it right, but thank god for copy and paste. You made me rethink the idea of giving up on my first fic, however retarded it is it still deserves a least a few more chapters.  
  
Wanderingwolf: I was perverted before, on the grace of all that is slash, I found FF.NET. I think I've read enough stories to keep me perverted to my old age. *Has thoughts of being 90 and still writing slash*  
  
Catgrl52: I've read some of George Luver's stuff and I just don't get the humor. *Knows that her own since of humor is weird*  
  
YOU GUYS BETTER START REVIEWING OR THIS IS GOING TO BE FORGOTTEN AND I'LL NEVER ADD ANOTHER CHAPTER AGAIN.  
  
*Hears people rejoicing at this news. Gives them the finger. Waves at Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory*  
  
~*~  
  
First a Recap (Because I forgot where I was)  
  
***Snape's Class Room***  
  
Draco has just entered limping a little, and yelps as he sits down. Today Snape has on a thong and nipple tassels. They're green and silver and the thong lets everyone see Harry's face tattooed to his very blemished ass.  
  
"Hey Snape check this out!" Draco pulls his pants down and shows Snape his tattoo.  
  
"Who did it? It looks good even with the blood dripping down your ass," Snape takes his chance to grope Draco's ass.  
  
"Let me see!" Harry comes in and grabs Draco's ass from Snape. Giving him a Draco sneer. "Look you spelled my name right! Unlike some person I know," We take a better look at Snape's ass *Shudders* and see Harry is spelled Hairy.  
  
"Who wants to see my tattoo?" You hear a cricket somewhere. "It's on my ass," Half the school rushes in and starts groping Draco's ass. Harry magically makes some velvet ropes and charges a dollar to see THE AMAZING ASS!!! : Greatest ass on Earth.  
  
"Hey I'm richer than I use to be!" Harry holds up giant cash wad. Draco clamps on to his arm as a gang of rabid gold diggers come running.  
  
"I've already staked my claim! Back off bitches!" All the rabid gold diggers now settle back to their tables.  
  
"I'll ignore that if in five minutes your in nothing but high heels and a smile on my bed."  
  
"Okay I can do that!"  
  
(In his mind) "I'm gonna get some ass! I'm gonna get some ass!" He bounces up and down twirling and doing high kicks.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~ /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/ ~*~*~*~*~*~ /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/ ~*~*~*~*~*~ /-/-/-/- /-/-/-/ ~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
..:: Next morning ::..  
  
Draco is in the bathroom, chunking his monkeys. (Throwing up for those of you who don't know me personally)  
  
"Have a good night?" Pansy comes in the boys' bathroom in a t-shirt with 'I Use Ta Be A Boy, Wanta look?' embroidered on it.  
  
"Actually I did. I can't figure out why a night of hot and wild boy on boy sex would make me puke," Draco returns to his toilet as he gets hit with more nausea.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Later that day. . .  
  
Draco is trying to sit down in Transfiguration. (He had forgotten the lube apparently) While silently wondering why they call it Transfiguration. "Maybe the first person to try it turned himself into a girl? Or visa versa," As he sat wondering Harry is trying to get his attention.  
  
"Draco! Draco!" Harry whispered as loud as he could without catching McGonagall's attention. "Draco! Arg. . . I just found a thousand dollars; I wonder who I should spend it on!"  
  
With that he had Draco's full attention. "Yes, what do you want dearest?"  
  
"You want to have another go tonight?"  
  
Before Harry could finish Draco ran over to the trash can at McGonagall's desk to puke, but missed and splattered McGonagall with it.  
  
~*~*~ The Infirmary ~*~*~  
  
"Well Mr. Malfoy it seems as though you have a deadly disease, and since no one's ever come across it before I'm gonna call it," Madam Pomfrey looked like a five year old jumping up down scratching her head to signify she was thinking, "Dumb Blond-Idus, or maybe The Puking Pomfrey Disorder."  
  
"Poppy I doubt that he has Dumb Blond-Idus, or TPPD. Mr. Malfoy you might want to try this," Dumbledore held out a four inch long white object.  
  
"Sir, I'm not a girl I don't need a tampon."  
  
"On second thought maybe he does have Dumb Blonde-Idus, don't be a moron take the box and read the instructions. I'm never wrong! Well except that whole not telling Harry about him being either a murderer or the victim of gruesome death at the hands of Voldemort." With that Albus strolled off to find Professor Mc G. Whistling Boys & Girls by Good Charlotte.  
  
*I'm tired of spelling McGonagall so from now on it's going to be Professor Mc G. Doesn't that sound better? I know I'm lazy, but I'm doing this while I'm sick so give me a break. I had to actually get off my ass to find my book and see how Pomfrey was spelled*  
  
..::Lunch::..  
  
Harry is sitting with Ron and Hermione who are passionately kissing because Hermione probably will never get anyone better and Ron's blow up doll is deflated. Sirius's paw caught on it.  
  
"Will you two stop that?" Harry is starting to feel weird because to him heterosexuals are just plain nasty. *That is for everyone who thinks homosexuals and Bisexuals are nasty. How does it feel when people make fun of your preferences, huh?*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Draco: What was that about?  
  
The Author (TA): Sorry just got one of those; Gays are disgusting, reviews.  
  
Draco: They are so rude. So let's get on with the slashy goodness k?  
  
TA: Anything you say. *Has thoughts of him and Harry doing oh so bad things to each other.*  
  
Draco: You know I can read that right?  
  
TA: Meep!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Draco comes busting into the room with the little white stick. "Harry, Harry, you won't believe the news I have!"  
  
"You finally found that limited edition purple three foot long dildo?" Everyone in the room turns there head to look at Harry. He blushes.  
  
"No, I'm still trying to get my hands on that," *Author giggles* "I have the best news! I'm pregnant!"  
  
Harry faints, when Hermione brings him back he's in a suit and top hat, and Lucius Malfoy had his wand to Harry's back.  
  
"No son of mine is going to have a bastard child now get up!" Lucius pulled Harry up to see Draco in a white dress with a long train leading behind him.  
  
"I told you not to go with him, but did you listen, NO."  
  
"Joe, I really don't need this right now." Harry mumbled to himself.  
  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
  
There you go everyone Slash a la Chelsea. You want to find out what crazy stunt I make up next then you have to REVIEW!!! 


	10. The Wedding Wow Me and a Non Cryptic Tit...

~*~*~*~*~  
  
All of this is my new disclaimer. Read it. It's got more plot than the story.  
  
Disclaimer: Yes, I'm back, and though it pains me I must say that Harry P. and Draco baby aren't my sex slaves who I own and make them do wonderfully nasty things to each other.  
  
Nope, not even.  
  
J.K. has them.  
  
She owns them.  
  
*Wonders if she makes them do wonderfully nasty things to each other* Nahhhh. . . This woman has a life unlike the author who has 7 PEOPLE, REAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HER ON THEIR FAVORITE AUTHORS LIST.  
  
~*~  
  
Yes, it's me. I'm back. As you may have concurred from my above disclaimer 7 whole people, who I don't know, have me on their favorite lists.  
  
(Except, The Beauty of Slash, she's my home girl who I let borrow my AIM account. When you read this I will have changed my password so stop telling people you're me!!! Her name's Chelsea too.)  
  
~*~  
  
MY WONDERFUL ALMOST NON-EXISTENT REVIEWERS  
  
(HINT HINT* God damn it, I was merely trying to hint that you should review, but you always have to make things difficult.)  
  
Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory: I updated, we talked, I'm weird, so are you. Thanks for the support.  
  
Me Me ME: Lily! I thank you for not telling Johnny about the dildo thing. Thanks for reading this crud. I feel special.  
  
Sexybexy: I'm on your favorites! Me! Little ol' me. I read and liked. Please continue with your story.  
  
The Beauty of Slash: Thanks for reviewing you AIM stealer you! *Gets in catfight*  
  
Catgrl52: You're still reading this? Huh, I would have guessed you stop reading this a long time ago. Even the great Chelsea is wrong ever so often.  
  
Okay then, just trying to remember which story I wanted to update, oh yeah this one:  
  
RECAP NOW BITCH!!!  
  
(Sheesh must everyone be so violent!) Before I forget The Beauty of Slash also stole my definition of lemon:  
  
Lemon: A fic with lot's of sex. Mostly Slash. (In my words) A fic stuffed with so much Raunchy sex, even Twinkie's couldn't match the amount of crème in certain holes.   
  
(Mumbles to self) Bitch needs to find someone else's stuff to steal. (Out loud) Love ya Beauty!  
  
~*~  
  
Draco comes busting into the room with the little white stick. "Harry, Harry, you won't believe the news I have!"  
  
"You finally found that limited edition purple three foot long dildo?" Everyone in the room turns there head to look at Harry. He blushes.  
  
"No, I'm still trying to get my hands on that," *Author giggles* "I have the best news! I'm pregnant!"  
  
Harry faints, when Hermione brings him back he's in a suit and top hat, and Lucius Malfoy had his wand to Harry's back.  
  
"No son of mine is going to have a bastard child now get up!" Lucius pulled Harry up to see Draco in a white dress with a long train leading behind him.  
  
"I told you not to go with him, but did you listen, NO."  
  
"Joe, I really don't need this right now." Harry mumbled to himself.  
  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
  
..::Two seconds later::..  
  
"Really, Mr. Malfoy, Draco getting married so young, don't you think that would be looked down upon?" Harry was feeling a bit antsy, but when you have a wizard who just found out his SON is pregnant and that he's been let out of PRISON to be at the wedding, you tend to be nervous.  
  
"Don't try to weasel your way out of this one Potter."  
  
"I take offence to that!" Ron steps out from behind the table were he's stuffing his face with cake and Jambalaya.  
  
(I live in Louisiana; I thought it would be okay to put something Cajun in there. At least he wasn't eating pig feet. Author gags)  
  
"Shut up, NOW WALK POTTER!" Harry was lead to the podium, Lucius, ever vigilant, kept his wand to Harry's back.  
  
As soon as he made it there the Wedding March sounded from Seamus, who was playing it on his bag pipes. Which meant horrible, stomach churning noises, echoed deeply through the halls.  
  
Draco walked slowly to where his father and groom stood. Smiling, half crying as his mother took the wand from Lucius and carried on the Harry watching duties, while Lucius walked Draco down the isle.  
  
Apparently someone had cast a spell on the train of the dress because anyone too close got stuck and was dragged to the podium behind Draco. By the time Draco was to the podium he had Neville, Pansy, Justin F., half the Weasly family, and Professor McGonagall were all thrashing around trying to get free.  
  
Hermione was watching Draco as he struggled up the isle, laughing with sinister glee.  
  
Dumbledore stood in front of the happy couple. Well Draco was happy, Harry on the other hand was still bribing Lucius with money, sex, a combo, or even free rein as Dark Lord once Harry finished off this one, but he didn't budge.  
  
"We are gathered here today to witness the union of two hot men, well technically you're only sixteen, but I think London accepts that age."  
  
Dumbledore ranted for about ten minutes about how in his day the husband was forced to lick every crevice of the bride's body after she had not taken a bath or wiped in two weeks.  
  
"Yeah, those were the good old days, right GG?" Dumbledore turns to McGonagall who has freed herself from the dress and is standing on Harry's side. He gives her a good whack on the bum, "Though we didn't get married to do that," He winks and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"That was way too much information!" Most of school ran to their prospective trash cans and tossed their cookies, spewed, vomited, chunked their monkeys, let out the half eaten food wave, etc. . .  
  
"Alright now that we're back from the trash cans our lovely author has given us let's get this wedding started!" (Hold on I'm thirsty. *Leaves to get a Coke* I'm back.)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Draco: What the hell was that all about? I'm getting MARRIED and you're off getting a Coke at a time like this!?!?  
  
Me: *Puts on big glazed puppy eyes and speaks like a two-year-old* I was thirsty.  
  
Harry: Just put us back, you know the people hate when you do this.  
  
Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? I LIKE MY A/N'S EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT THIS CHAPTER. I LIKE MY ALONE TIME WITH YOU GUYS. I LIKE CALLING SNAPE, SNAPIE POOH OR SNAPIE DEAREST. Hold up, I got a new chapter alert.  
  
Draco: How do you even finish these chapters? You're always reading a story while you're doing it and you always get alerts because god knows how many people you've got on that thing.  
  
Me: I like those stories. *pouts again* oh well let me get back to the point before rabid reviews flame me alive.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Do you Harry, take Draco, to have and to shag? In perversion and in all his kinkiness until you croak and he gets all your cash?"  
  
Lucius poked his wand to Harry's back (-_-) harder and Harry screamed to himself hoping I would hear.  
  
"There's got to be a plot hole here! There has to be. This is a fic, no one gives the detail of the marriage. For all that is holy take pity on my soul and my pocket book. You know Draco's going to buy everything in the store as soon as he changes the names on my personal checks!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
"We were talking earlier, you got yourself into this," Big Juicie makes his/her return! "Remember this:"  
  
(Wiggly flashback lines are seen.)  
  
Draco: "If you kill her who will chase after Harry, and become so obsessive that he turns to me to save him. I humiliate him, but all the while I fall for him and he falls for me also, so in the end we confess our love to each other. Damn I just described a Draco/Hermione fluff fic didn't I?"  
  
Me: "Don't worry about it. I shall find another way to spite her!" *Twirls hair with heavenly finger* (Heavenly finger? Eww. Ignore that for me please.)  
  
Draco: "Thanks!" *Cuddles Harry closer*  
  
Harry: *Sticks tongue out*  
  
The Author: *Gives him the finger*  
  
Harry: *Mouths 'Oh yeah that's original'*  
  
The Author: *Glares*  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Wait a minute I never did that! She copy and pasted that from her other story!"  
  
Me: So it was still you.  
  
"I'm screwed," Harry returns from talking with me and Big Juicie in La La Land and shakily answers, "I do."  
  
"And do you Draco; take Harry to be your personal sex toy and/or checkbook? To have and to stroke under the table when you think no one's looking but really I am. To cherish in sickness or in health, until a messy and painful death to you part?"  
  
Dumbledore was scratching his left leg with his right, and moving around uncomfortably. "Oh hurry up Malfoy, I gotta piss!" He jumped from leg to leg doing the pee pee dance.  
  
"I do!"  
  
"Great, I now pronounce you Husband and umm. . . Fuck Buddy, you may kiss the Fuck Buddy!" Dumbledore ran for the old fogies' room while everyone else awe's at the kissing couple.  
  
"So Harry dearest, where are going for our honeymoon?"  
  
Harry's eye was twitching. He was married, he was sixteen, and he was going to be a father. What else could go wrong?!?!  
  
Somewhere in the distance a cackle is heard which turns in to maniacal laughter, now booming through the halls. Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet!  
  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////  
  
REVIEW!!! REVIEW!!! GIVE ME IDEAS, DO SOMETHING DON'T JUST READ AND LEAVE TO GO READ SOME OTHER CRAP!  
  
Like it? Then review. Hate it? Then review. Thought it was okay then review. Don't want to review? Then review!  
  
~Renny~ 


	11. It's a boy, It's a girl, It's a boy! D&D...

~*~*~  
  
Disclaimer: I DON'T own Harry and co. I do own my disclaimers, AIM account, and definition for Lemon, so please don't steal.  
  
Why would anyone steal your crap?  
  
Shut up. The Beauty of Slash did.  
  
She knows you. Plus you're a pushover.  
  
Oh yeah! *Huge catfight ensues between Chelsea and her projection of herself who she speaks to often*  
  
~*~.  
  
I think I have a new fetish. I giggle, yes giggle, every time I see this emoticon: ^-^ or this one: ^_^ And for those who don't know me. I once gave my cousin a busted lip for giggling at me in my Homecoming dress. *GOD* I hate dresses . . . and giggling. I disgust myself.  
  
~*~  
  
REVIEWERS IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHINE!!!  
  
~*~  
  
vEeLa RoSe ThOrNs: Glad you decided to review. For I would have gone nuts if you did not. (Too Late) P.S: Cajun Pride!!!  
  
Egyptian Rose: I will take that as a compliment because I made this stupid, dumb, weird and random.  
  
Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory: *I do talk to myself too much* and since I've never seen you, you're DAMN sexy. Good God man, please put the doughnut down! Mayo should NEVER be combined to the sugary goodness that is doughnut!!! I hate Pokemon, I use to hit the kids in Elementary school who traded those cards.  
  
I now watch as the next generation beat up on kids who trade Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Ah how things change. Oh and since there are a whole load of poofs in my story I'll have Snape do the fag dance.  
  
-lily-: Leave me be ye Bastard of fate!!! Love ya Lils  
  
~*~  
  
I was watching Hamlet (The one that's being done in the year 2000, but everyone talks like the play) and right now I need to get this out of my system. Please read and tell me if I'm over dramatic.  
  
*Knows she is*  
  
*It sounded good in my head*  
  
Leave all of thee who does now find the grace of slash a horrible, evil thing. For it is thee who is evil and not me. The lovely flower that is slash is tainted by your cruel and unjust criticism. Your words that like the sticks and the stones do so hurt the authors who write of such beauty, and make the flower wilt into the abyss of sadness you have made for it from your deadly flames.  
  
And to those who do not heed my warning. I curse you and your retched flames for I know that slash is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Maybe one day your cruel words will be those of regret as you then realize that not all things different from yourself are bad. I sincerely hope that it is soon.  
  
~*~  
  
*To the tune of 'Give it to Me Baby'* RECAP ME BABY! UH HUH, UH HUH. RECAP ME BABY!  
  
"And do you Draco; take Harry to be your personal sex toy and/or checkbook? To have and to stroke under the table when you think no one's looking but really I am. To cherish in sickness or in health, until a messy and painful death do you part?"  
  
Dumbledore was scratching his left leg with his right, and moving around uncomfortably. "Oh hurry up Malfoy, I gotta piss!" He jumped from leg to leg doing the pee pee dance.  
  
"I do!"  
  
"Great, I now pronounce you Husband and umm. . . Fuck Buddy, you may kiss the Fuck Buddy!" Dumbledore ran for the old fogies' room while everyone else awe's at the kissing couple.  
  
"So Harry dearest, where are going for our honeymoon?"  
  
Harry's eye was twitching. He was married, he was sixteen, and he was going to be a father. What else could go wrong?!?!  
  
Somewhere in the distance a cackle is heard which turns in to maniacal laughter, now booming through the halls. Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet!  
  
~*~  
  
..::The Next Day::..  
  
Harry and Draco are sitting at the Gryffindor table. Draco has curlers in his hair and is looking like a small woodling creature with a baseball bat stuck up its ass.  
  
"I still don't see why we can't go on a Honeymoon," Draco pulled on his apron and served Harry a plate of eggs, toast, and ham.  
  
"Let's not start that again," Harry pulls out his ear muffs. Draco promptly takes them and feeds them to Snape who is on the Slytherin table doing the fag dance. *Please lower your mayo doughnut Mr. Miagi.*  
  
"You know I was thinking of calling the baby Joan. It's a nice simple name. Or maybe I'll take my father's advice and name it Cleopatra-lious-frazzle- dazzel-nugget-covered-McDonald's-glory Precious Potter."  
  
"Wait how do you know it's a girl?"  
  
"The mother always wants a girl," (Not really, I would prefer a boy. No messy, 'Your now a woman' speeches.  
  
"Whatever, I am not naming Damien, Cleopatra-lious-frazzle-dazzel-nugget- covered-McDonald's-glory Precious Potter, or Joan for that matter."  
  
"Damien? What if it's a girl? Could you see a girl walking around school saying 'Hi my name's Damien and my Dads are gay, the cute one actually gave birth to me.' I think not!"  
  
"I bet it's a boy!"  
  
"I bet it's a girl!"  
  
"Boy!"  
  
"Girl!"  
  
"BOY!"  
  
"GIRL!"  
  
~*~  
  
9 months later  
  
~*~  
  
"Congratulations, Mr. and Mr. Potter, its triplets!"  
  
Draco who was already totally out of it from the medicine and have a huge lump of flesh and bones pass through is urethra (The pee hole *Laughs as the guys are now cupping their goodies*) passed out.  
  
Harry on the other hand rejoiced . . . because two of the three were boys, and Draco now owed him 10 bucks. Then he stopped rejoicing because Draco would just take the money out of his wallet.  
  
Draco regained conciseness two hours later. "How could that be? I mean it was all one big lump."  
  
"The doctor said that one of them had stolen the last piece of pepperoni and the other two were trying to get it when you went into labor, and you doused Professor McGonagall when your water broke."  
  
*Draco sniggers* "I can still aim. So what are we going to call them?"  
  
"I've already named them."  
  
"WHAT!!! I WENT THROUGH FOUR-SEVEN HOURS OF LABOR, GAVE BIRTH TO THREE KIDS, AND I DON'T EVEN GET TO NAME ONE OF THEM!"  
  
"This is Damien." Harry held up a little form wielding a dagger. He had brown hair, grey eyes, and already had found a pair of old glasses to wear.  
  
"Put me down, you bloody poof! That nurse Candi, didn't powder me and I'm going have a hell of a diaper rash. I must exact my revenge!" He let Damien down and watched as he ran after the hot nurse. His little blue overalls going up his butt making a cute little baby wedgie.  
  
"Isn't baby talk so cute?" Yes Harry can't understand a single word they say. "This is Darius," Harry held up an exact replica of Damien even with filthy glasses.  
  
"Watch those hands. I'm not even a day old and you're already molesting me! Child Welfare! CHILD WELFARE!" The little boy grabs a rusty knife and follows his brother. His red overalls making yet another cut wedgie,"  
  
"And this is Divinity," Harry now holds up an adorable little girl with silvery white hair, green eyes, and another pair of glasses. Except these are up to date and modern, not to mention expensive.  
  
"Umm, Pop, hands off the merchandise, this cost 2,045 dollars. To think you named me after a word that means mysticism and holiness. Me holy. Puh- lease. Where's that diamond encrusted pocket knife? Oh there it is. Got to go get that fucking bitch Candi. No one steals MY ATTENTION!"  
  
She jumps down and straightens out her dress, which is pink, and heads off to brutally murder Candi.  
  
A/N *Hates pink*  
  
"Adorable aren't they?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess. Can I have some ice cream and popcorn? That bitch Candi is hotter than me and I know you were looking at her butt. I mean it's like she has an anti-gravity field around her ass. They're so adorable mauling her for their Mommy."  
  
"Sure thing Draco." Harry leaves to find popcorn, and bumps into RatMan from Chapter four. "Hey what are you doing here?"  
  
"The wife just has a litter." The picture leads to Cardinals' mascot the Redbird and their four little rat/bird children. Except for one that looked like a replica of Hermione . . . oh wait it's a giant squirrel . . . so yeah it's still a Hermione look-a-like.  
  
(I don't watch baseball; please forgive me if I got it wrong. All I know is that we have LSU Tigers. We don't have a professional team. We're poor.)  
  
~*~  
  
Divinity: So you're the Author.  
  
Me: Yes  
  
Divinity: You made me a fashion freak. I may learn to like you.  
  
Me: Thanks!  
  
Divinity: Yes, yes, yes, rejoice in your happiness. Now bring me the sexiness that is Snape!  
  
Me: You're not even a day old. Besides Snapie Pooh is mine.  
  
Divinity: Not for long. *Sinister smile*  
  
Me: I should have known Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter's children would be beyond evil. *Grabs Snapie Dearest and runs away, but is brought down by a bite to the back of her leg behind the knee*  
  
~*~  
  
To envision the babies think of Stewie, or however you spell it, from Family Guy. I don't own Family Guy either.  
  
Was that even funny? Oh well review. NOW! Don't make me hurt you with my mind controlling powers.  
  
Wait a minute you actually need a brain to have those.  
  
Review.  
  
~*~  
  
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*~*  
  
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*~*  
  
End of Chapter 


	12. How The Fuck Did Draco Get Pregnant?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has the name Harry Potter or J.K. Rowling on their name stickers. I do own the three brats.  
  
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Sorry it took awhile.  
  
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REVIEWERS!!!  
  
Jordans-hair-ish-my-branm: I am the master! Kidding. I'll get to the diaries as soon as I get more than ONE new review. Which is not likely. Well don't kill me! I have an idea for this story so . . . DON'T KILL ME!!! *Runs franticly*  
  
OfTheWest: No, I just have a very weird little mind. It scares me sometimes too.  
  
KuniMishima: Yes all hail me! Just what I need more ego! Thanks for your wonderful comment.  
  
Kool K8: I really can't tell if this is a flame or a good review, because of the way my story is set it's kind of hard to distinguish.  
  
Jordans-hair-ish-my-branm: Since you reviewed twice I'll mention you twice. You seemed to like my Author Note not many people do. Thanks for all the support, and don't kill Renny!  
  
Brenna8: He he he. . . I'm warped. I knew that!  
  
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In this edition of, The Day I Went Crazy and Wrote This, we learn how Draco got pregnant. Sorry about the format. . . again I have no time.  
  
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Me: So Divy, just how the fuck did Draco get pregnant? I'm betting all our readers. . . all four of them. . . want to know how.  
  
Divinity: Didn't you take sex education in school?  
  
Me: No, I learned from the nasty magazines my dad buys, and besides two boys can't have a baby. Well at least not here they can't.  
  
Divinity: We'll it all happened in chapter 7. . .  
  
*********************************** (Time for a Flashback) ***********************************  
  
Hey I'm richer than I use to be!" Harry holds up giant cash wad. Draco clamps on to his arm as a gang of rabid gold diggers come running.  
  
"I've already staked my claim! Back off bitches!" All the rabid gold diggers now settle back to their tables.  
  
"I'll ignore that if in five minutes you're in nothing but high heels and a smile on my bed."  
  
"Okay I can do that!"  
  
(In his mind) "I'm gonna get some ass! I'm gonna get some ass!" He bounces up and down twirling and doing high kicks.  
  
Draco makes his way up to Harry's room and strips to nothing but his six inch, lime green stiletto heels, and waits patiently for Harry to arrive.  
  
~*~  
  
After about four hours of non stop bump, grind, and *cough* splurge we enter Draco's belly.  
  
At first it's kind of brown at first but once we leave the intestine I get kind of antsy and just bust through the rest of his organs that are in the way. Inside Draco's belly we see a corn hash sandwich and a little cat food. Then this weird white ball starts bouncing around.  
  
Little Harry sperms start attacking it.  
  
Harry Sperm 1: It's mine bitches!  
  
Harry Sperm 2: Back off dumbass, he's gonna have a boy.  
  
Harry Sperm 1: No a girl!  
  
Harry Sperm 3: Shut up both of you!  
  
Harry Sperm 1, 2, and 3 get thrown into the side of the ball by a stampede of pancakes from breakfast.  
  
Harry Sperm 2: Help me! I'm melting!  
  
Harry Sperm 1: You're not melting moron! We're all getting sucked into the ball. Great now I'm going to have two psychotic brothers. I wonder who put me through this torture.  
  
*Author smiles sweetly*  
  
Me: So you guys were incubated in a ball of sperm? Even though you were already sperm to begin with? That's kind of weird and sick even for me.  
  
Divinity: Hey! You're the one that just thought it up.  
  
Me: Good point. So like I said before, you guys were fighting over a pepperoni so all three of you came out at once? That had to hurt poor Draco.  
  
Divinity: Have you ever had Pepperoni and Mushroom pizza?  
  
Me: *Drools* Yes. . . it's the best.  
  
Divinity: This was kinda short. You think we should give them some lemon?  
  
Me: Half of them don't know what lemon is.  
  
Divinity: I'm a day old and I know what it is.  
  
Me: I'll try but, I've never gone into any detail so it might suck.  
  
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Harry enters the room and sees Draco in nothing but his lime green heals.  
  
"My, you are the little obedient one aren't you?" Harry strides over to the four poster and sits down gently at Draco's side. He slowly caresses the pail hairless chest of his companion.  
  
"I'm very good at taking commands. Do you have any for me?"  
  
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
  
Divinity: You stopped there? God you're evil.  
  
Me: Learned from the best, besides you're their daughter. I wasn't about to let you get a sneak peek at your parents bed time activities.  
  
Divinity: What about you're adoring public?  
  
Me: I can't do lemon, someone might find it on my computer, but if anyone wants to write it. I'll defiantly put it in the story. You know my e-mail address it's on my Author page. Write it and send it. I might put it in the story.  
  
Divinity: Who would write it for you, Ms. Lazy?  
  
Me: I dunno, but if they want to see lemon (sex scenes) they'll have to send it in. My brother uses this computer and I have a nasty habit of accidentally saving on the hard drive.  
  
SEND IT IF YOU WANT. IF NOT NO LEMON WILL COME FROM ME. 


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